M&A n. investigative journalism that almost never has a happy ending. Practiced by those don’t know what the word schadenfreude means, as it isn’t a factor in a discounted cash flow analysis.
strategy consulting n. investigative journalism that buries the lead. Practiced by those who want the world’s stories to always be happy, whether the stories are or are not. Strategy consultants believe schadenfreude is a sin, or at least know how to act like it is in front of clients.
investigative journalism n. the hunt for devastating stories in a room of people pleading not guilty when they’re not on trial. Practiced by those who feed on schadenfreude.
schadenfreude n. photosynthesis, but rather than sunshine turning into plant growth, other people’s misery turning into corrupted soul growth.
soul n. a farce created by those who leverage M&A, pay strategy consultants and fear investigative journalists to make their minions believe that the reduction of the body to grayish mush is worth the salary they’ll use to tithe during retirement.
retirement n. a golf course in suburban Florida that sells non-refundable 20-year memberships while using definitively cancer-inducing fertilizers in unreasonable quantity.
unreasonable adj. typically used to describe queries which question the fundamental nature of a system, organization, or society.
society n. a widely believed-in fictional character that draws cartoonish lines on pieces of paper that represent physical spaces and lives in the dreams of its believers, whispering that the team is losing when they’re unhappy (very similar to the NFL’s dementors).
NFL n. a species of dementor that sucks the souls out of human bodies through lit screens and head injuries.
dementor n. a former human with more than fifteen minutes of education in economics.
economics n. a religion that most closely mimics Catholicism while pretending to be physics.
physics n. the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end for humanity.
humanity 1, n. the only class of bacteria that feels guilty when it eats.
Roman Ryan 